urgh... thats awful!

oh well. I am NOT so okay these days.

sometimes I might get confused by my parents. i am 19 and going to be 20 by end of this year. i am supposed to get my driving license 2 years ago. but i did not as my dad does not allow me to do so, and we had only one car that time, and my mum said i was not mature enough blah blah blah. well, since we just got a new camry for christmas, i guessed it is almost time for me to get it. I KNOW MY MOTHER DID NOT REALLY COURAGE ME TO DO SO AS WELL. they both just like to keep me at home, which i love outings so much. Whatever, i called the instructor and attended my first lesson of undang-undang. Well, things just do not go smoothly. There was one day, my dad asked me to reheat the noodle for him, i said that did not require to be heated. that was the first time he asked. then came to the second time, which i did not hear it. I REALLY DID NOT HEAR HIM! i was damn sick that day, flu affected my hearing system, and that made me missed his words. I WAS SO SO SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. somehow, dad just told mum that i was not being obedient, did not obey to him, not being good girl anymore, getting wild and unstable and all, shall stop my driving lesson and not letting my outstation friend to stay overnight this saturday. I JUST MISSED THAT SENTENCE AND I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAS THE OUTCOME I GOT. Fine, I did not feel mad, just blame that my ear were not sensitive enough. I am so sorry.

mum keeps saying that i should absorb more experience only can let me drive. I really do not get it when she said about that. I do not even have the chance to hold the steering, how am i gonna have driving experience. i was trying so hard to explain this to her, well she just refuses to accept that. dad says what if once i get my license and i will like a free bird, drive to anywhere i like. They just do not seem to trust me. I am going to be 20! I, no longer a teenager, I know what am i going to do, i am able to make decision myself and i know how to control myself. I know by saying this kinda thing, is really showing the childish side of me, but then I AM NOT A KID ANYMORE. Not that i do not prefer the way they teach and control me, just that sometimes they just over-protecting me, and making me feel i am beyond the world. I wish to expose to this world more and explore this planet before it iss too late. I DO HAVE PLANS!

i think most of you should know that, i seldom cut my hair. even if i want to cut, i just let my mum handle the scissors. my hair could not make any nice trendy style, why not just let my hair do it, save money. and she makes my hair all this while since we moved to kl. Just today, a hairdresser offered me $180 to restyling my hair. including perm, cut and treatment, which i think fair enough. since i really really seldom cut my hair outside, the money i save and the money i earn can pay for this. although i decide to use my own money, still i have to ask for my dad's permission. once he heard about it, he was so angry about it. he said, "don't you know me, at your age, worked in the morning and taught lion dance at night, just to earn money for chinese new year." alright i know that story, repeated for so many times. not that i don wanna go out and work or wat, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DOESNT ALLOW ME TO WORK OUTSIDE, YOU SAID YOU RATHER SEEING ME ROT AT HOME! okay, i am confused. well, i just want something, which i think it fairly okay to spend this money. DO YOU KNOW HOW MESSY MY HAIR IS!? it is not like i make my hair for uncountable times throughout the year. IT IS JUST THIS TIME. mum said, you can try put on some cream, mousse, or gel. for money stuffs, unless for really costly stuffs, or i wont be asking my parents for extra money. I even have plans on my money spending. I know what to save for spending. i know, they have another worry, they worry that i would be a clone of my cousin, where my cousin, so useless that he has a job but still need to ask for money from home, he never plans, he spends more than he earns, he even asked my dad to borrow him so money to fix his car. hey man you have a permanent job, and where is your monthly salary? on branded stuffs? hitech gadgets? or on GIRLS? HE IS HE, ME IS ME. HE IS NG AND I AM SEN. make clear of that. his family is retarded. i feel shameful of my relatives and all. AND i am so sorry to say that. I really..................uhhhhhhhhhm. i am not being BAD, if you know my stories, you will surely feel the same way too. Without them, i would live way BETTER than now.

My parents claims that i never be thoughtful enough. Ya i admit it. probably sometimes. but some of the time, maybe the way i think is different from them, they just commented me I am brainless, never use my brain to think. but then i do think, just not similar to theirs. they told me not to spend so much of money as my school fees are high. Alright, so who made those decisions for sending me to those schools? They picked taylor's and monash for me. and also engineering. I do not seem to have a choice. OR i can say, i never make my own choice. There are so many things running through my head, about fees, finance, transport, reputation, prospects and all. so they just decided for me. IF I AM NOT THOUGHTFUL enough, i would have fly to else where to study vet, my dream. when i think about money and family, so i just let go of my dream. BUT STILL i am so glad that they might have made the right choice for me all this years, or maybe i am not that picky. I am so happy that daph is so determined to decide to further study in US whereby initially strongly discouraged by her mum. I salute to her bravery. And sadly i do not have that.

i am trying very hard to be a good girl. a good daughter. CAn you see i am working hard. When dad said that i don have any involvement in the family, never do the tipsy bitsy of housework, like i do not belong to this family, it really hurts. It was not the first time i heard of that, it makes me cry everytime i heard of that. I do things for this family maybe just really too tiny whereby hardly notice by people, but not that i don like to do housework making me i am a bad daughter. I please you all the time, and you hurt me by saying those words. cruel.

I do not like to fill my eyes with tears. I am not crying.

I am finding way out. to make this better.

at last,
i still lucky.
i still love you, dad.
i still love you, mum.
i still love you, shin and yiing.
i always appreciate all of you.
my precious gift.

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